Friday, December 31, 2010


We just want to wish ALL a very Happy New Year and please be SAFE!
..this might be a difficult year but I will do my best to help make it go by really really fast...
God Bless All of our Soldiers
and bring them home safe!
(I love you my sweet Soldier)

Thursday, December 30, 2010

COUNTDOWN... to "D" day

i am sad, emotional, UP and then down...

we are officially in the "Countdown" stage, "D" day is upon us and i am an emotional wreck. had my first break down last night, meltdown, crying spell, whatever you want to call it. we were sitting there talking about last minute details; how to pay rent, car payments out of what account, where to go if this happens, don't forget to do this, etc... and it happened. the big CRY. it just came out, with no warning and he just held me. i hate to do that when i can see in his eyes he is hurting too. he hasn't slept in days (either of us) and he is stressing about what he still needs to get and for some reason the Army has decided that they want to take out money from his pay for things we don't understand yet (gotta figure it out tomorrow). of all the times that we NEED money "they" decide" to deduct for things they feel are important???? i am sure this has happened to you at some point.

anyway, i knew this week, day, moment, time would come but just been trying to make the best of every second i have with him. And now it's everywhere, facebook posts from friends, our brigade group, and now on the news. UGH.

this was our first year (a whole year!) that we have been together, in one house, not separated by a body of water, being in the same country.... every morning--a "see you later" kiss on the head when he leaves , a "good morning beautiful" text after his PT, many many texts during the day (while we are both at work), "I'm on my way home baby" text, a welcome kiss at the door, several "i love yous" and kisses watching TV, and then our night kisses, one on each cheek, forehead, lips, falling asleep side by side, "goodnight baby, i love you"."good night baby, i love you more and longer!" (awwwwwww). THIS IS WHAT I AM GOING TO MISS

a whole year is such a long time. i got through the first one and i know i can get through this one too and i know this is normal, and i know i have a few more stages of emotions to go through but i guess this is my moment to have a pity party. i can feel bad for a moment, i don't ALWAYS have to be the strong one. (as i read this i want to say "suck it up woman!" lol)

this weekend is going to be New Year's. i don't feel like celebrating. i don't even feel like its New Year's period. its just going to be a weekend where we get to spend all by ourselves. that's what we did for Christmas. we stayed at home, no presents, no relatives..just being lazy with only eachother and our lazy puppies! it was a wonderful wonderful Christmas and now its going to be a wonderful lazy New's Years too dammit. ugh this big cloud over us just makes is difficult to enjoy the celebration.

i will be strong. i will not cry (yea right). i will be strong for him.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Being Thankful

Holidays are here... it brings up all kinds of different feelings for "us" Military spouses. Being away from our loved ones, friends, homesick, upcoming deployment.... I really could go on and on... but I won't. I will NOT be a holiday scrooge!
I have lots to be thankful for ...
I am thankful for my wonderful husband.
I am thankful for my wonderful husband being home this Thanksgiving Day.
I am thankful for us having a roof over our heads and food in our fridge.
I am thankful for my family back home that I miss dearly.
I am thankful for my friends that still keep in contact with me no matter where I am.
I am thankful for the job I got after 21 mths of unemployment. :)
I am thankful for my sweet Army family I will be with on Thanksgiving Day.
and Thank You God for Life itself!
now it's your turn, What are you Thankful for?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

not enough time...

..i sit here listening to my husband playing some video games (no not COD black ops lol) and i am overwhelmed with sadness. i have been for about a week or so. i guess it all started when he brought home all of his new multi cam gear for Afghanistan. has it really been 16 months since he came home from the first deployment? Ugh. where did the time go? we had "plans" to do more before his 2nd and now i feel we do not have enough time....

i sat down the other day and figured out that i have had him home (states side) for 2 years and the other year he was in Afghanistan... BUT with him leaving another year, it will be 2 years home, 2 years gone. Wow? that seems so weird. i had heard stories like this but never thought it would be me.

i know that every one that has loved a soldier knows this is the way of military life. but i can tell you that is doesn't make it any easier to swallow, to hide, to control or to deal with. (i swear these emotions have got the best of me this week).

a couple of days ago i received his "schedule" of what's to come until "D" day and damn those tears. reality is NOW setting in. gear is being already shipped off, pre-deployment meetings are starting to happen, multi cam gear everywhere, calendars, FRG meets, legal stuff, etc... its so overwhelming. i just need another month or something. i feel like we need more time. lol

we had planned on starting our fertility treatments, we planned on traveling to florida to see his mom, we planned on trying to see more tourists things in our area, we planned on just doing more things....

Thanksgiving is next week, we do not have enough money right now to travel anywhere. It will be nice to just go to our friends and be able to be close and be right back home. no hassles. but i miss my family more than ever right now. And Christmas, well we aren't going to see our family back home then either (no money of course) but we had decided last year that we would not be traveling like we did last year. it will be our time alone to just be with each other (and i will savor every moment as i do everyday with him, even as he is playing this damn zombie game lol). I do hope i get him for the New Year's! I would be very very thankful for all three cause I know that most military loved ones don't get that wish. However, i do know that i will not get him for February=my birthday, Valentine's day or our 2nd Anniversary :( but i can't get them all.

i am sure how i am feeling is normal in our world but i don't like this part. i don't like a lot of parts of this life but no matter what i will always try to make the best of it. like today, i think i am going to put the Christmas tree up lol. it is earlier than normal but he's worth it! cause before i know it, it will be Christmas and then.......

until then, i will watch him sleep, hold his hand, kiss his face, smell his neck, and be as close to him as i can....

dang deployment,
not enough time

Thursday, September 23, 2010

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Monday, September 13, 2010

It's ONLY a number. I'm NOT too old...

I sit here and look over all my friends on Facebook, my younger sister just had her 20 yr reunion (mine was last year but I couldn't go cause it was on the same weekend that we had PCS'd). I look at all the posting and pics of their families, etc... and realize that some of my classmates are grandparents, one a grandparent x 3!!!

My sister says that lots asked about me, some thought I was the sister with 4 kids cause I always post pics of them so much and one thought I had her son (which in fact that was the other sister too!). I love all of my nephews and nieces so much. I love having all of them come visit me, whether I am here in KY or was back home in TX, they were always with me on the weekends or school vacation times. BUT anyway, my point is... I DO NOT HAVE ANY KIDS. Not by choice. It's just because GOD hasn't blessed me with one yet! (the picture above are my sister kids minus 1)

I am going to be 40 in less than 6mths. I think that has a lot to do with this posting. I am going to be 40 and I still want to be able to have one of my own. But I don't "feel" almost 40. I am still "hip" (my nephew would be shaking his head at me now). I think my nephews and nieces keep me young, they keep me "updated" on things LOL, and I still love to do fun things (still love listening to my heavy metal!!!). I am NOT dead. It's just a number... i love that song by Aaliyah, "Ain't Nothing But A Number." It does also help that my husband is younger than me :)

Over the weekend, I saw a girlfriend of mine and we both are the same age, birthdays coming up soon and she is freaking out. But, her life is different than mine. She has had more things going on in her life. Not that I haven't. Got a younger sister that (pardon my language) won't get her head outta her ASS. I have my 16yr old nephew living with me (which he is wonderful, fun and sometimes stressful but NOT bad). A husband in the Army (nuff said). But turning 40 is NOT going to be that bad. You might want to ask me again in about 6mths how i feel. LOL

I know that God will bless me no matter what. If it's NOT my own child, then it was maybe meant for adoption. I am very open to that. My mom was adopted, found her biological Japanese mom here in the states several years ago and now they live together! My mom's brothers and sister are all adopted. That would be okay for me. BUT (there is always that BUT), I would like my husband to have his own. Is that selfish to say? Ugh, it's always the pros and cons. Always the doubts, the wishes, the yearnings, the dreams......

and once again, I don't feel my age. so that means I gotta get myself to the gym (LOLOLOL) cause it Ain't Nothing BUT a Number!

Monday, August 9, 2010

..i know it's been awhile

..i know it has been awhile since i have posted something, but i have really had a crazy July... so this all might seem to be me just rambling but here it goes...

the first week of July, my mother in law came down to stay with me for a week. it wasn't so bad. there were moments where i felt "critiqued" but it all passed. my DH was uncomfortable. i don't know what it was but he felt he couldn't be himself (mind you, this isn't his biological mom). also, he had to work during the day and some late evenings, trainings, etc... so that helped him some. so while she was here, i entertained her to post to show her where he worked, the Patton Museum, to my girlfriends house to visit "our" rescued Afghanistan dog who was a big help to our unit, back to my girlfriends house to celebrate 4th of July and out to eat a couple of times.

the day she left, i drove to Texas/Arkansas border to pick up my sister's girls so they could stay with me for a couple of weeks... which ended up being 27 days! LONG STORY there too... but i have missed them all so much and we had our ups and then we had our downs. we went swimming, took them to two of my doctor's appointment on post (let's just say one of them was a pill lol), to the park to play & feed the ducks, out to eat a couple of times, got blizzards @Sonic, to the mall, library, to a old car museum, and lots more (you get the picture)... the last week with 2 of them was hard, they just wanted to go home. one wanted her mom and the other wanted her life back home.

but at the same time (during the same week when the girls wanted to go home) my DH was packing to leave for NTC. it was really hard to try and balance him and then the girls. but, we managed to make the best of it. he left and five days later, my nieces left :(

so, here it is August and i'm by myself. im trying to keep busy but cannot seem to get myself motivated to do sht. i mean nothing. well, that's not true. i have managed to go to the grocery store, the post office, the gym a couple of times, a 2 yr. old birthday party, and a pampered chef party. so let me clarify that, i haven't done anything to my house! LOL no cleaning, no dishes, etc.... i know i will get my mojo back to do it but right now, eh it sits.

my nephew is wanting to move in with me. that's another big thing going on in my life. he is old enough and would be in high school. i know my DH wouldn't mind cause he has said before he could. but i just wish i could talk to him but him being at NTC with no phone rule, i can't just pick up the phone to ask and see what he says... stupid rule! but, it looks like i might have him soon. when my DH gets home i could say, "look honey it's a boy!" lol no seriously, i welcome my nephew and any of my nephews and nieces. i love them all very much!

i have been trying to get my family and friends motivated to buy stuff this month for my lil business on the side (Scentsy). i have even started a group page on Fbook @Sam's Scentsy. i wish that would just take off and keep my REALLY busy (and make some extra money for us). i know it will, i just gotta keep positive AND PATIENT!

and last, is me getting a job. i know i really need to get one especially if i have my nephew coming up. but the bad part is that i always want to be here for my DH when he needs me, days off, etc... it will happen. now the fun part of looking for a job around here. i believe in God. i know that things will be alright... as my DH would say, "Everything will be alright baby."

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

...My First "Stereo Type" Experience...

....sooooooooooo, we went to a couple's house on post (which is something we don't do often). it's not someone in our brigade but someone my husband became friends with because of their love of jeeps.
anywhoooo, we met another couple there... they were neighbors and i was excited to find out that the wife neighbor was from not only TX but where i used to live! so we talked about where we used to live, the area, etc... i thought it was starting off great!
but then..... it just went sour.
she, neighbor wife started asking questions to my DH about what MOS he was in (and at the same time was looking up and down at me??? was she looking at my hair, clothes, etc.... i wasn't sure) but she was "shocked" that my husband is 11B. her response, "OHHH i thought you were an officer" (um, what does that mean?) so, my husband said "no, no officer here. What made you think that?" her response, "OH, your just so clean looking, not dirty." (uMMM, what? i still dont get what she is getting at? but i could tell my DH was getting a little perturbed). and the neighbor wife was still making her comments, her questions were just a little forward or rude. its as if she was judging us for not fitting her image of being Infantry. (and what pisses me off about this post is that we are considered the "trouble makers," the "rotten ones," the "low lifes" and i DO NOT like this stereo type.) I'm not gonna write down all the rude @$$ comments she made cause i dont want to get myself all pissed off again.
This was my first "stereo type" experience with the military life. I have heard about it, my husband always says "that's just what THEY think about us," BUT i think its stupid that each MOS or whatever has these labels. so what we are infantry? we are still in the same army as you are! so what that we don't live on post? how does that make us any different than you? we have pitbulls and can't live on post! so what that we do not have kids? hey! its none of every one's business that i have fertility problems... its NOT something i advertise as i meet new people. so what that we have "somewhat" nice cars? they ARE NOT new but nice! so what that we were dressed casual but nice when we met you! we took showers for gosh sakes LOL....
i know this might seem stupid to some, but this was my first judgement and i am still somewhat still learning the ropes of the army life.
the rest of the evening was just OFF, the neighbor couple ate their food and left immediately after that. WE were NOT rude, we were nice (as we always are), we played with the kids, helped clean etc... but for some reason the neighbor couple just took off... which turned our friends night sour. apparently it wasn't the first time they (the neighbor couple) had done this. that's another story.......
well, there was my vent. I'm done.

Monday, June 21, 2010

at this moment.... at this moment, my life is not that exciting. i mean the occasional rare meets with my friend and the occasional out to eat with my DH. oh, i can't forget my 3 days a week at the gym (um, should be more shshshsh).
so this is why i really have not had much to blog about. my DH has been in the field alot lately and if he is home, well he's playing video games and I'm on the internet surfing. lol OHHHH i am NOT complaining about him being home AT ALL! my point is that, this is it... at the moment.
BUT in 9 days i will have my MIL here for 8 days and day after she leaves, i will get my 3 nieces and nephew for 3 weeks! so my "at the moment" boring life will once again be ALIVE!!!!! i can't wait!
so until then, i will continue to be surfing the net, talking to my furrbabies and waiting for my DH to get home from work!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Short, Sweet and To the Point... Our Story

at the time, i had temporary custody of 3 kids and for the past 2 years, a social life was NON-EXISTENT! but one day, the kids were able to spend the night with a relative overnight and i was told, "you need a night out with the girls." girls nite? WHAT'S THAT??? LOL

so i got together with some friends who treated me to an afternoon of watching football. then, somehow OF ALL places ended up at a bar in a military town. i was just excited because they had football on the big screen and great music in the background!

but, one of my girlfriends slaps one of the guys in the chest and says, "hey you! dance with my friend." it was the best time i had in such a long time. we danced and talked all night. come to find out that he NEVER goes out, he was not the "bar" type of guy (and i can vouch for this NOW lol) but this night, his friends had forced him to go out and OUT of the barracks....

so for the next 6 weeks (of not getting to see eachother), we texted and talked on the phone everyday, all day long... first text before PT in the morning "Good Morning Beautiful" to the last text at night "Sweet Dreams luv." then one day, the kids were able to go back to their home AND that is when our friendship blossomed into our very own relationship, OUR STORY....

we have been together for 2 years, 6 months, and 10 days...

we have been married for 1 year, 4 months and 17 days...

have been thru one deployment and another one on its way...

AND have been thru one PCS move, with many more to come i am sure...

and till this day, if we are not together for some reason (cq, trainings, deployment, etc...), i still get my morning and goodnight texts :)

Our Story

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sam and her Soldier: KICK THE WICK - my story

Sam and her Soldier: KICK THE WICK - my story

KICK THE WICK - my story

I had never heard of Scentsy, never seen it and really didn't know what it was... but as I "surfing" my twitter, facebook, and blogs, I had noticed a few ladies talking about these wonderful Scentsy Wickless Candle products! So I clicked a few links through my fellow friends and LOVED what I was seeing! All my family and friends know is all I ever want for special occasions is lots and lots of candles!

I showed my husband the Scentsy website and he said, "you love candles, go for it!" I am an Army wife, who has just moved to our new post "home"and thought, this is a great way to make us some extra money and to meet new people. I immediately signed up and have been a Scentsy Consultant since April 2010.

I cannot believe how easy and simple it is! Most of my family and friends from Texas are able to order their favorite products online and it ships directly to them! My favorite motto is "KICK THE WICK! No Wick. No Flame. No Sute. This product truly sells itself!

So please, feel free to browse my website. If you are interested on how to earn FREE products, earn EXTRA MONEY, or if you have any questions, email me anytime thru

Thank you so much for checking out my Scentsy website and story!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Military Spouse Appreciation Day!

Just wanted to wish all a very happy Military Spouse Appreciation Day! Thank you all so much for being who you are! I know that I have really loved finding new friends thru blogs, twitter, facebook, our new post, etc... Once again, Thank You!
A Proud Military Wife!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Pity Party

well i have to admit that i have been in a "mood" this week. i dont think having (what i think is) the stomach bug since sunday and my man out in the field for 4 1/2 days is helping either.

my DH and i have decided to do fertility treatments so i have been online doing research, going on forums, etc... and i feel more overwhelmed than when i started. before we got married i knew that i would need medical help and i was very clear about that before i furthered our relationship and of course he did not care if we would have kids or not, adoption or natural..he would love me no matter what!

so now we are at the point of trying to find the facilities that will be able to do certain procedures in the military. i found two but they are about 10 hours away (ggggreat) and then of course the cost is a big hurdle. but the most important hump is deployment! deployment isnt too far away and we would love to do this all before or at least get it started. UGH another thing to stress about!

im having a huge pity party here, feeling sorry for myself, being mad at all the pregnant women around me (10 mths since they came back from the last deployment), parents that piss me off when they dont take care of their children the way they should be treated (news, media stories, etc..) i'm sorry but some people have no business having kids! grrrrrrr!

i know we will one day have a child of our own, i know it will happen. i repeat, it will happen! but until then, i hope this pity party will end soon....

feeling sorry for myself

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Me and A Million Others

Well, its that time again... Job Search. Yep, me and a million other people.

I was laid off my job about 3 weeks before DH got home for his R&R, so at first it was a blessing. I was able to meet him in PA and then travel back to TX, it was a wonderful 15 days (thats when we got married)! 4 months later, he was home from deployment and I was able to be there when he got off that glorious WHITE bus (it's NOT so glorious when that damn WHITE bus takes him away). Then, 2 months later of NOT having a job came in perfect timing when he got his block leave for a whole month!!!! Another 2 months later, we PCS'd to our new home... and here we are folks 6 months later! We are settled in, have a routine, and now low on funds LOL...

Of course my wonderful DH does not want me to work and he wants to do it all, BUT you all know what the Army pays and it isnt that much! We have no kids and still need to survive on a 2 person income. We like our extras, we like to eat out every once in awhile, AND we have alot of family members with birthdays LOL... So it's gotta happen. Now, it's all up to this economy in this area. Come on Economy!

I do sale Scentsy candles on the side and i really like it so far. I just started and it has been really easy! But for right now, it cant pay my bills. So, im going to "Pimp" myself out here: Please goto its very easy to order and its shipped directly to you!

The not so fun part of looking for a job, the fears, the nervousness, the UNKNOWN.... here we go! i have gained some weight and none of my clothes fit. i really dont know the area so well yet. the resume updates, the search, the interviews, the let downs... here goes the nerves!

I know i can do this. i have always had a full time job with overtime, mostly in the past 2 jobs at a time... so what is my problem? I gotta do this. I can do this. so, wish me luck along with a million other people because we need a JOB!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Things About Me

I saw this on another blog and thought it was interesting... so im going to let you all know a few Things About Me!.... I know dont get so excited! LOL
1. i love heavy metal (not death metal, yes there is a difference!)
2. i am a recycle QUEEN (i think im actually addicted)
3. i love pitbulls (mine is my baby)
4. i am 1/2 Tex-Mexican 1/4 Japanese & 1/4 unknown Caucasian (heinz 57)
5. im only 4'10" (just wish i was a lil bit taller)
6. i still dont know what i want to be when i grow up (no pun intended)
7. i have 2 sisters, 2 half sisters, 2 step sisters and 4 step brothers (yea, and i think, i think i have 21 nephews and nieces)
8. im addicted to eating salt & vinegar chips, roasted pistachios, and slim jims
9. i watch roseanne reruns all the time
10. i would love to live by the beach

Monday, April 5, 2010

Soulful Relationships

Soulful Relationship
By Reverend Ronald McFadden

If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it.

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye.'
Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults is not really important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individuals who have decided to share a life together.
Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life', you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, deceitfulness, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.
Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

Q. What keeps a relationship strong?
Answer: Communication, intimacy ( not sex ), trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, a shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note), sharing common goals and interests. Leave a nice message on their voice mail or send a nice email.

Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless. Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain will replace the passion. "Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.' The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of God stands forever. Isaiah 40:8. Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight?
You should always try to be a little more kind to each other than necessary. The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the 'I'. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Being Thankful

As i re-read my last blog, i now realize how thankful i am just to have him here with me AND also today one of my classmates is being laid to rest today. He had colon cancer and i have been thinking about him since last week when we were asked to pray for him and his family. i thought about how quiet he was but always had a smile on his face. he wasnt a "flashy" guy, he was very basic, simple and had really pretty blue eyes. he was in the high school band and was always with his high school sweetheart, holding hands...

so, i am thankful that my DH is here, stateside, at home with me today. no matter how hard this whole ptsd/tbi is, i love him and i am very thankful he is here. i am sure i will "fall off the wagon" and complain here and there about things i myself get frustrated about, dont understand, and/or about the simple things in my life!

i am thankful for my family, my friends, my DH and life itself!

being thankful

Friday, April 2, 2010

Trying to be patient

Well this past week my husband was diagnosed with mild TBI and PTSD, we both already knew he had it due to having all but one symptom so it wasnt a surprise. BUT, trying to be patient with it all has been really hard for me.

Of course i know he isnt the "same" person he was when he left, of course NOT but im trying to be patient, understanding and helpful when i can. so when we went to one of his many appointments (i dont go to all of them, my second one actually) to see his social worker which allows him to "talk" about what happened this week or how he is feeling, etc... i wanted her to know that he had two specific things that happened this week that set him off. if i dont tell her, he forgets or doesnt bring them up to talk about them (one of the many symptoms he is having). i just wanted her to know that he is so frustrated with forgetting things, short fused with every little thing and how distant he has become (again, things he will not bring up cause he just doesnt want to "deal" with them). so, she talked with him as i sat to the side listening, trying to remember everything she said so i could remind him later when he needed them... and at the end of the session, she walked us up to the front desk so he could make his next appointment AND...... she pulled me to the side and said, "oh, let him make his OWN appointment. Maybe you should let him do more for himself." (DOOOO WHAT????) and she continues, "you do too much for him, and he needs to think for himself." AT THIS POINT, I WAS PISSED OFF, HURT AND COULDNT BELIVE SHE HAD JUST SAID THAT TO ME?!

first of all, he couldnt remember his schedule for the week so he looks at me for "hey, baby do you remember my work schedule" kinda look! i could have told him right then and there, "yes, you have 4 days out in the field but with one day of CQ!" grrrrrrrrr....

second of all, ive met you twice! how in the hell do you get that i make all of his decisions for him? he is a grown man. yes, he has memory issues but im his wife! if he needs help i am sure as hell gonna help him!

and last, why could she not have said that to the both of us in her office? i am a nuturing, loving, and caring person. i am a big family oriented person. i go above and beyond for anyone who needs help. THAT'S WHO I AM! I would do anything for him and that includes helping him remember where his beret is or where his schedule is...

this only made me feel worse than i had before.. it made me start doubting myself. do i do too much for him? do i oversmother him? do i need to back off? as we were going down the elevator, i had tears in my eyes. of course i told my husband what she said and he told me that he wouldnt be able to do it without me. so i felt somewhat better. i mean, i still have to deal with how he actually is at home. his moodiness, his depression, his not wanting to do anything.... which ends of frustrating me.

its a 4day weekend, so i was hoping for him to be in a better mood, but already he doesnt want to eat and if i ask he gets all snappy with "im fine" or "no, im good" (here comes the overwanting to make things better for him) so i end up asking more than once and by this time he's mad. so it's longer silence, no communication (which drives me nuts cause he used to be a chatter box)... or, we go see a movie and he doesnt want to get all nice for me. i know, he's a guy but make an effort, do something (ex: shower?) i mean is that normal? the hygiene stuff? (ex:simple things, brush your teeth?) i know i need to stop reminding him or telling him to do these simple things and i know this only aggravates him even more but i want him to want to do those things for me! i miss the little things. i miss the communication. i miss the man who used to want to do things. i miss a lot of him, but i am trying to be patient...

impatient one

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Why would they do that?

well, like i said... i'm new (sort of) about understanding the army. so here's what i dont understand, why would the military and the media announce publically of what we are going to do ahead of time?? i mean isnt that jeopardizing our soldiers safety? isnt that giving the taliban heads up of what we plan on doing to them? for example, i read on yahoo, armytimes, etc... that: "A senior military official said Monday that the offensive on Kandahar was expected to begin in June. The goal is to rid the city of Taliban forces before the Muslim holy month of Ramadan begins in August."

i guess i am just confused that i am not able to announce or publically say where and when my husband is going to be deployed to? BUT they are able to announce that? maybe someone else can help explain this to me.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Being Away From Home....

For some reason, it always comes in threes: my step brother & sister's dad passed away, my step dad taken to the ER (again) and my uncle having a heart attack. UGH and I am so so far away! i wish i could be home this very moment to be with my family, to help them during these times. I'm always the one to help with my family, i'm usually the one who is there at the drop of the hat.

i know this is one of the things you have to sacrifice being an army wife, being with your husband, relocating to a new place...BUT i hate this part. Everyone that knows me, knows that i am a HUGE family person! I would be there for my siblings for support at the funeral, i would drive my mom to the hospital that my uncle is at (knowing she hates driving a long distance or in an unfamiliar are), and/or just be there for them...

Sitting here dwelling on the wishing or the "coulda, woulda, shoulda's" isnt helping anyone and especially my insomnia. (Breathe) i guess i should have guessed its time for me to get homesick, to miss my family, to want to be home with them, etc.... but i should be okay, i mean i just had my nephews and nieces up here last week for Spring Break. For 10 fun filled days! I wish they were still here (sigh).

And i guess my man being out in the field until tomorrow isnt helping. oh whoa is me, feeling sorry for myself is not gonna help either. i know this feeling will pass. just for today, i wish i was home to hug them all.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Is it wrong of me?

Why is it that i am already stressing about the upcoming deployment? Is it wrong of me to already be worring about it? i mean i should be enjoying my time with him now! i should be treasuring every moment with him. i dare not tell him. i dont want him to know I think about it cause then that will only get him all worked up about it. And seriously, he's not even leaving until the end of the what is my problem?

We were not married when he left for his first deployment so i knew absolutely nothing (married during R&R lol). i didnt know what to expect. But now with this second one all i seem to do is think, "oh he will need this" or "oh we can get this." Also, sometimes i even find myself saying out loud "we should do that before you leave for deployment."

is this normal? i need to stop! but how? ugh... and the overnight trainings have started which isnt helping. next, is gonna be ntc.... see! look at me!

i wish more people would read this, to maybe give me more insight....

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

i dont get it - CQ

I dont get this whole CQ schedules? I remember when we used to be back at Hood, he rarely had CQ maybe every 6 weeks or so, but here in Knox its like once a week. It could be that they are short on guys, but that doesnt make since to me at all cause they have plenty? But to have CQ once a week, during the week just aggravates me. It aggravates me because he goes to work at 5:30am, works a full day, goes in for CQ at 4pm to 9am the next day, then goes back to work (classes, trainings, out in the field or range) and finally gets off work around 5pm to 6pmish. He used to get a day off to rest, to catch up on his sleep, but now he's up for over 36hrs or so and is suppose to keep working a full week. I know its suppose to "toughen" him up or whatever the Army wants to call it, but my husband doesn't get much sleep as it is (thanks to the last deployment we just went through). Also, I had heard from another Army wife that her husband had CQ three days in a row! He had to work in between too! NOW that doesnt make sense to me at all! GRRRRRRRR!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Getting Started

I have seen many blogs from my new 'friends' on twitter, my old co-worker and now my sister. I have always wanted to sit and jot down my thoughts, complaints, and stories down and share or NOT to share with others. I admit my punctuation sucks (thanks to texting and my laziness to correct), my spelling always isn't perfect (yes Ma, I admit it) and sometimes I just gotta get my words out or I will forget! So any help on how to get this going will be greatly appreciated!