Friday, April 2, 2010

Trying to be patient

Well this past week my husband was diagnosed with mild TBI and PTSD, we both already knew he had it due to having all but one symptom so it wasnt a surprise. BUT, trying to be patient with it all has been really hard for me.

Of course i know he isnt the "same" person he was when he left, of course NOT but im trying to be patient, understanding and helpful when i can. so when we went to one of his many appointments (i dont go to all of them, my second one actually) to see his social worker which allows him to "talk" about what happened this week or how he is feeling, etc... i wanted her to know that he had two specific things that happened this week that set him off. if i dont tell her, he forgets or doesnt bring them up to talk about them (one of the many symptoms he is having). i just wanted her to know that he is so frustrated with forgetting things, short fused with every little thing and how distant he has become (again, things he will not bring up cause he just doesnt want to "deal" with them). so, she talked with him as i sat to the side listening, trying to remember everything she said so i could remind him later when he needed them... and at the end of the session, she walked us up to the front desk so he could make his next appointment AND...... she pulled me to the side and said, "oh, let him make his OWN appointment. Maybe you should let him do more for himself." (DOOOO WHAT????) and she continues, "you do too much for him, and he needs to think for himself." AT THIS POINT, I WAS PISSED OFF, HURT AND COULDNT BELIVE SHE HAD JUST SAID THAT TO ME?!

first of all, he couldnt remember his schedule for the week so he looks at me for "hey, baby do you remember my work schedule" kinda look! i could have told him right then and there, "yes, you have 4 days out in the field but with one day of CQ!" grrrrrrrrr....

second of all, ive met you twice! how in the hell do you get that i make all of his decisions for him? he is a grown man. yes, he has memory issues but im his wife! if he needs help i am sure as hell gonna help him!

and last, why could she not have said that to the both of us in her office? i am a nuturing, loving, and caring person. i am a big family oriented person. i go above and beyond for anyone who needs help. THAT'S WHO I AM! I would do anything for him and that includes helping him remember where his beret is or where his schedule is...

this only made me feel worse than i had before.. it made me start doubting myself. do i do too much for him? do i oversmother him? do i need to back off? as we were going down the elevator, i had tears in my eyes. of course i told my husband what she said and he told me that he wouldnt be able to do it without me. so i felt somewhat better. i mean, i still have to deal with how he actually is at home. his moodiness, his depression, his not wanting to do anything.... which ends of frustrating me.

its a 4day weekend, so i was hoping for him to be in a better mood, but already he doesnt want to eat and if i ask he gets all snappy with "im fine" or "no, im good" (here comes the overwanting to make things better for him) so i end up asking more than once and by this time he's mad. so it's longer silence, no communication (which drives me nuts cause he used to be a chatter box)... or, we go see a movie and he doesnt want to get all nice for me. i know, he's a guy but make an effort, do something (ex: shower?) i mean is that normal? the hygiene stuff? (ex:simple things, brush your teeth?) i know i need to stop reminding him or telling him to do these simple things and i know this only aggravates him even more but i want him to want to do those things for me! i miss the little things. i miss the communication. i miss the man who used to want to do things. i miss a lot of him, but i am trying to be patient...

impatient one


  1. Okay, so I totally feel your pain! When Jerad first got back from Iraq, it was HELL. I went with him to one of his therapy appointments, and never went back after his therapist told me I needed to stop talking trash about his mom. Even though his mom is the one that told him she wished she'd aborted him. And I wasn't talking trash about her, I was simply suggesting that maybe it wasn't a great idea for him to be talking to her so often, because it always made him so upset. UGH! Some of these therapists are crazy themselves! Hugs to you and your hubby.

  2. thank you, glad it just wasnt me but still! grrrr