Sunday, August 28, 2011

Each Night...

hello there again night time.  oh how i dread you.

sleepy but the second i lay down, i am WIDE awake.
thinking about YOU, hoping you were able to have a hot meal, were able to sleep more than an hour and most of all IF you are safe.
...AND i think about you each night and always it ends with tears.  tears of sadness that you are NOT here, tears of fear of where you are, happy tears that i am so proud you chose me to be your wife and tears of loneliness that you are NOT there PERIOD.

each night as i lay there i say, "good night baby, i love and miss you." 

Each Night.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

..JUST THAT ONE CHANCE seems that being in the Military life and going thru a deployment that everyone around me is PREGNANT. Pre-deployment pregnancy, R&R pregnancy, and after deployment pregnancy.

..i don't remember being around so much pregnancy people in my life. BUT at the same time, several people back home around "my" age are pregnant also, so that gives me so much HOPE that it CAN happen to me.

..this is just another emotional roller coaster to add to the many other emotions you have during a "normal" deployment but at times its very overwhelming.

..i always say when is it going to be MY turn? but i know the answer, i know what i have to do to get that chance. BUT reality sucks. to have invetro is so expensive and i have Military insurance and at "my" age I am not covered for any of the expenses to be paid (believe me, i have already done the research and asked). so what does this mean? it means that for us to have that one chance of having our own little bundle of joy, it means that its out of OUR pocket. YEP, so between my little job that barely pays for our little bills and him working in the Army (which everyone in the Army knows we don't get paid shit) which barely pays for the bigger bills, we live pay check to pay check! now I have decided to sell as much stuff as I can in this house for garage sales. DOWNSIZE LOL and also try to sell as much as i possibly can with my Scentsy business and NOT spend my commission. i know i can do this. BUT i am not getting any younger. i am 40 for Goshsakes!

..i want so bad to give my husband a child, his name sake, to give him a family. and i know if he reads this he will say that he has his family (me, him and our two furbabies) and if it stays this way then he is just fine with that. he is so supportive and i love him for always making me feel so good about our little life BUT i feel like i am missing something. and its a feeling that i have to fight with myself everyday on this cause my whole adult life i have wanted a baby.

..i have never been pregnant. i dont know what that feels like. i have however had many surgeries and have scars to prove that. some minor, some major and one life threatening. i have had things that are hard to talk about, been pretty hard on my family too.

..i can do this IF God has this planned for me. IF NOT, then we will adopt. i am OK with that, just want that one chance to try and do it on our own (with a little medical help of course).

..JUST THAT ONE CHANCE is all i ask.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

..Rest & Recuperation

....Rest & Recuperation was a wonderful 2 weeks of rest and recuperation. We did exactly what HE wanted and for that I am afraid there will be backlash for later.
...All he wanted to do was be home, he didn't want to travel, he didn't want to be around too many people, he didn't want to be forced to do anything he didn't want to do and I made sure he got what he wanted. He rarely drove-- which is ODD cause he loves his jeep but this time, he didn't want to. He was asked to "hang"out but he just didn't want to. He wanted to stay at home in the AC, be in the same room as me with his dogs at each side, watching his SYFY, Discovery, Military etc.. channels, being on his laptop downloading his stuff.... doing exactly what HE wanted to do.
...this rest and recuperation was much more different than last time. No traveling, No family, No rushing around here and there. I tried to get him to call his family, I tried to get him to hang with his buddies BUT he didn't want to. This time he slept in (which is very unusual), he did a few things around the house, went to game stop, the gun shop, and surplus stores a few times each. We went out to eat and watched movies several times. We were lazy around the house, in eachothers arms, watchin' Shark Week LOL... he sang karaoke and EVEN agreed to have pictures taken (which he hates by the way)...
...for all of that, I have no regrets. I know some will blame me. It's inevitable, I'm the other half, his side-kick, his wife... I hope all will understand that this deployment, this R&R is so much more different this time around. I feel like he is still healing and for some reason he is or has been withdrawing himself from things, discussions, friends and family. I am not sure if it is about not wanting to talk about certain things, not wanting to answer questions, to deal with "it?" I am not sure but I will not force it, otherwise he gets mad. so this time around we did what he wanted. was the best 2 weeks. we both needed it.