Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Pity Party

well i have to admit that i have been in a "mood" this week. i dont think having (what i think is) the stomach bug since sunday and my man out in the field for 4 1/2 days is helping either.

my DH and i have decided to do fertility treatments so i have been online doing research, going on forums, etc... and i feel more overwhelmed than when i started. before we got married i knew that i would need medical help and i was very clear about that before i furthered our relationship and of course he did not care if we would have kids or not, adoption or natural..he would love me no matter what!

so now we are at the point of trying to find the facilities that will be able to do certain procedures in the military. i found two but they are about 10 hours away (ggggreat) and then of course the cost is a big hurdle. but the most important hump is deployment! deployment isnt too far away and we would love to do this all before or at least get it started. UGH another thing to stress about!

im having a huge pity party here, feeling sorry for myself, being mad at all the pregnant women around me (10 mths since they came back from the last deployment), parents that piss me off when they dont take care of their children the way they should be treated (news, media stories, etc..) i'm sorry but some people have no business having kids! grrrrrrr!

i know we will one day have a child of our own, i know it will happen. i repeat, it will happen! but until then, i hope this pity party will end soon....

feeling sorry for myself

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Me and A Million Others

Well, its that time again... Job Search. Yep, me and a million other people.

I was laid off my job about 3 weeks before DH got home for his R&R, so at first it was a blessing. I was able to meet him in PA and then travel back to TX, it was a wonderful 15 days (thats when we got married)! 4 months later, he was home from deployment and I was able to be there when he got off that glorious WHITE bus (it's NOT so glorious when that damn WHITE bus takes him away). Then, 2 months later of NOT having a job came in perfect timing when he got his block leave for a whole month!!!! Another 2 months later, we PCS'd to our new home... and here we are folks 6 months later! We are settled in, have a routine, and now low on funds LOL...

Of course my wonderful DH does not want me to work and he wants to do it all, BUT you all know what the Army pays and it isnt that much! We have no kids and still need to survive on a 2 person income. We like our extras, we like to eat out every once in awhile, AND we have alot of family members with birthdays LOL... So it's gotta happen. Now, it's all up to this economy in this area. Come on Economy!

I do sale Scentsy candles on the side and i really like it so far. I just started and it has been really easy! But for right now, it cant pay my bills. So, im going to "Pimp" myself out here: Please goto its very easy to order and its shipped directly to you!

The not so fun part of looking for a job, the fears, the nervousness, the UNKNOWN.... here we go! i have gained some weight and none of my clothes fit. i really dont know the area so well yet. the resume updates, the search, the interviews, the let downs... here goes the nerves!

I know i can do this. i have always had a full time job with overtime, mostly in the past 2 jobs at a time... so what is my problem? I gotta do this. I can do this. so, wish me luck along with a million other people because we need a JOB!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Things About Me

I saw this on another blog and thought it was interesting... so im going to let you all know a few Things About Me!.... I know dont get so excited! LOL
1. i love heavy metal (not death metal, yes there is a difference!)
2. i am a recycle QUEEN (i think im actually addicted)
3. i love pitbulls (mine is my baby)
4. i am 1/2 Tex-Mexican 1/4 Japanese & 1/4 unknown Caucasian (heinz 57)
5. im only 4'10" (just wish i was a lil bit taller)
6. i still dont know what i want to be when i grow up (no pun intended)
7. i have 2 sisters, 2 half sisters, 2 step sisters and 4 step brothers (yea, and i think, i think i have 21 nephews and nieces)
8. im addicted to eating salt & vinegar chips, roasted pistachios, and slim jims
9. i watch roseanne reruns all the time
10. i would love to live by the beach

Monday, April 5, 2010

Soulful Relationships

Soulful Relationship
By Reverend Ronald McFadden

If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it.

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye.'
Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults is not really important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individuals who have decided to share a life together.
Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life', you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, deceitfulness, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.
Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

Q. What keeps a relationship strong?
Answer: Communication, intimacy ( not sex ), trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, a shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note), sharing common goals and interests. Leave a nice message on their voice mail or send a nice email.

Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless. Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain will replace the passion. "Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.' The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of God stands forever. Isaiah 40:8. Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight?
You should always try to be a little more kind to each other than necessary. The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the 'I'. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Being Thankful

As i re-read my last blog, i now realize how thankful i am just to have him here with me AND also today one of my classmates is being laid to rest today. He had colon cancer and i have been thinking about him since last week when we were asked to pray for him and his family. i thought about how quiet he was but always had a smile on his face. he wasnt a "flashy" guy, he was very basic, simple and had really pretty blue eyes. he was in the high school band and was always with his high school sweetheart, holding hands...

so, i am thankful that my DH is here, stateside, at home with me today. no matter how hard this whole ptsd/tbi is, i love him and i am very thankful he is here. i am sure i will "fall off the wagon" and complain here and there about things i myself get frustrated about, dont understand, and/or about the simple things in my life!

i am thankful for my family, my friends, my DH and life itself!

being thankful

Friday, April 2, 2010

Trying to be patient

Well this past week my husband was diagnosed with mild TBI and PTSD, we both already knew he had it due to having all but one symptom so it wasnt a surprise. BUT, trying to be patient with it all has been really hard for me.

Of course i know he isnt the "same" person he was when he left, of course NOT but im trying to be patient, understanding and helpful when i can. so when we went to one of his many appointments (i dont go to all of them, my second one actually) to see his social worker which allows him to "talk" about what happened this week or how he is feeling, etc... i wanted her to know that he had two specific things that happened this week that set him off. if i dont tell her, he forgets or doesnt bring them up to talk about them (one of the many symptoms he is having). i just wanted her to know that he is so frustrated with forgetting things, short fused with every little thing and how distant he has become (again, things he will not bring up cause he just doesnt want to "deal" with them). so, she talked with him as i sat to the side listening, trying to remember everything she said so i could remind him later when he needed them... and at the end of the session, she walked us up to the front desk so he could make his next appointment AND...... she pulled me to the side and said, "oh, let him make his OWN appointment. Maybe you should let him do more for himself." (DOOOO WHAT????) and she continues, "you do too much for him, and he needs to think for himself." AT THIS POINT, I WAS PISSED OFF, HURT AND COULDNT BELIVE SHE HAD JUST SAID THAT TO ME?!

first of all, he couldnt remember his schedule for the week so he looks at me for "hey, baby do you remember my work schedule" kinda look! i could have told him right then and there, "yes, you have 4 days out in the field but with one day of CQ!" grrrrrrrrr....

second of all, ive met you twice! how in the hell do you get that i make all of his decisions for him? he is a grown man. yes, he has memory issues but im his wife! if he needs help i am sure as hell gonna help him!

and last, why could she not have said that to the both of us in her office? i am a nuturing, loving, and caring person. i am a big family oriented person. i go above and beyond for anyone who needs help. THAT'S WHO I AM! I would do anything for him and that includes helping him remember where his beret is or where his schedule is...

this only made me feel worse than i had before.. it made me start doubting myself. do i do too much for him? do i oversmother him? do i need to back off? as we were going down the elevator, i had tears in my eyes. of course i told my husband what she said and he told me that he wouldnt be able to do it without me. so i felt somewhat better. i mean, i still have to deal with how he actually is at home. his moodiness, his depression, his not wanting to do anything.... which ends of frustrating me.

its a 4day weekend, so i was hoping for him to be in a better mood, but already he doesnt want to eat and if i ask he gets all snappy with "im fine" or "no, im good" (here comes the overwanting to make things better for him) so i end up asking more than once and by this time he's mad. so it's longer silence, no communication (which drives me nuts cause he used to be a chatter box)... or, we go see a movie and he doesnt want to get all nice for me. i know, he's a guy but make an effort, do something (ex: shower?) i mean is that normal? the hygiene stuff? (ex:simple things, brush your teeth?) i know i need to stop reminding him or telling him to do these simple things and i know this only aggravates him even more but i want him to want to do those things for me! i miss the little things. i miss the communication. i miss the man who used to want to do things. i miss a lot of him, but i am trying to be patient...

impatient one