COUNTDOWN... to "D" day

i am sad, emotional, UP and then down...

we are officially in the "Countdown" stage, "D" day is upon us and i am an emotional wreck. had my first break down last night, meltdown, crying spell, whatever you want to call it. we were sitting there talking about last minute details; how to pay rent, car payments out of what account, where to go if this happens, don't forget to do this, etc... and it happened. the big CRY. it just came out, with no warning and he just held me. i hate to do that when i can see in his eyes he is hurting too. he hasn't slept in days (either of us) and he is stressing about what he still needs to get and for some reason the Army has decided that they want to take out money from his pay for things we don't understand yet (gotta figure it out tomorrow). of all the times that we NEED money "they" decide" to deduct for things they feel are important???? i am sure this has happened to you at some point.

anyway, i knew this week, day, moment, time would come but just been trying to make the best of every second i have with him. And now it's everywhere, facebook posts from friends, our brigade group, and now on the news. UGH.

this was our first year (a whole year!) that we have been together, in one house, not separated by a body of water, being in the same country.... every morning--a "see you later" kiss on the head when he leaves , a "good morning beautiful" text after his PT, many many texts during the day (while we are both at work), "I'm on my way home baby" text, a welcome kiss at the door, several "i love yous" and kisses watching TV, and then our night kisses, one on each cheek, forehead, lips, falling asleep side by side, "goodnight baby, i love you"."good night baby, i love you more and longer!" (awwwwwww). THIS IS WHAT I AM GOING TO MISS

a whole year is such a long time. i got through the first one and i know i can get through this one too and i know this is normal, and i know i have a few more stages of emotions to go through but i guess this is my moment to have a pity party. i can feel bad for a moment, i don't ALWAYS have to be the strong one. (as i read this i want to say "suck it up woman!" lol)

this weekend is going to be New Year's. i don't feel like celebrating. i don't even feel like its New Year's period. its just going to be a weekend where we get to spend all by ourselves. that's what we did for Christmas. we stayed at home, no presents, no relatives..just being lazy with only eachother and our lazy puppies! it was a wonderful wonderful Christmas and now its going to be a wonderful lazy New's Years too dammit. ugh this big cloud over us just makes is difficult to enjoy the celebration.

i will be strong. i will not cry (yea right). i will be strong for him.